True testimony of being tired.

I have been feeling so tired lately that it's hard to describe...but it affects me in significant ways. I've been tired before but this is different. This literally feels like I'm going to die-I have no energy and my head feels too heavy to hold up. It's as though I'm suddenly aware of all the bones in my body and each one feels like they weigh a few pounds. I usually do well in the mornings but struggle in the afternoons, usually after I've eaten lunch. So tonight I found this somewhat exaggerated yet true portrayal of what is called "Toxic Fatigue" in an online article about Lupus and wanted to share it with you.

THE TOXIC FATIGUE OF LUPUS

BY GLORIA ROSENTHAL

Almost all lupus patients have heard the phrase "But you don't look sick" and we cringe inside, knowing the speaker's words do not convey the speaker's true meaning: "You can't be so sick if you look so well".

The fatigue that comes with lupus elicits the same reaction. Try to explain the feeling to a friend and the response is often "I get tired, too". I want to pounce on those words and say "tired? You get tired? I want to screech that the fatigue that comes with lupus is as unrelated to a "tired" feeling as a hang nail is to a broken arm. Calling toxic fatigue a tired feeling is like saying a major flood is a minor trickle of water.

So let's talk, first about what lupus fatigue is NOT. It is not a tired feeling. It's not a "want to take a nap" feeling. It's not a "lazy day, think I'll take it easy" feeling. It's not a "wish I didn't have to do this" feeling. What it is: is a full-body exhaustion that makes you feel as if you have no bones, that if you didn't have skin wrapped around your body, you would melt down into nothingness like the Wicked Witch of the West. Or that you are a melting candle, except a candle has a wick and there is nothing in your body that feels that solid. On the other hand, your bones can feel so heavy that lifting your arms to wash your hair in the shower is a chore akin to a weightlifter hefting a 200 pound barbell. His task is easier, though, because as soon as he puts the barbell down, he's through. But after you've soaped your hair, you have to rinse it. That means those bone-weary, heavy arms must be raised again and after the shower, these "barbells" must be toted around all day long for they cannot be discarded like the weight-lifters toys.

Eating too, is an exhausting habit, especially restaurant dining. There must be something in the atmosphere and a three course meal that makes the lupus body say. "Hey hold on there, why are you lifting a fork so many times?" or "You broke off one piece of roll and now you want to exert that physical activity again for another piece?"

The toxic fatigue of lupus also forces you to make major decisions. Will you make yourself a cup of tea, which means dunking that heavy teabag, or settle for a glass of water - and how many ice cubes can you use without making the glass too heavy?

Am I exaggerating? Of course, but just enough to get a point across, a point that the fatigue that accompanies lupus is not like any other feeling. It is indescribable, but I know that as these words are read by my fellow lupoids, heads will bob up and down in instant recognition, though that frantic activity (head bobbing) will create yet another bout of exhaustion.